Rule #3- Keep your morals in proportion to your ass size

3)Keep your morals in proportion to your ass size. Don’t be fat AND slutty. Pardon my crude and blatant wording, but a very common phrase in the modern day lingo is ‘that fat whore’. Nobody really knows who that fat whore actually is exactly so don’t be the face to that name. …..oh, how can I more vividly elaborate on this? Being thick my whole life, I have heard it all and heard it all said about everyone else. The benefit to having mostly male friends is that they tell me all of the ugly truth that is a guy’s way of thinking. The downfall to having mostly male friends is that they tell me all of the ugly truth that is a guy’s way of thinking. I am out of the kindness of my heart, in no way believing that any of this is true, relaying to you the overall gist of their responses. Basically they think that fat girls are easy. One guy, obviously a gem of a human, actually gave this direct quote, “Fat girls are down for anything you want to do because they have low self esteem and will do anything to please a man.” SSSSSSSSSSSoooooooooooo not true. And I’m very sick of the select few hefty skanks that give them a reason to believe this. There are plenty of plus size women that have pride in themselves and realize that they are worth so much more than just having a man. Don’t be the one that discredits that.

Rule #2- Hygiene..take pride in your appearance (and the smell that accompanies that!)!

Hygiene..take pride in your appearance! It’s bad enough to be the fattest person in the room…but the stinky fat person? If you are large and in charge, why not be fabulous while doing so?! Nobody ever wants to get stuck sitting next to the chubby guy that smells like hot garbage and five day old McDonalds (and yes, there are people who have this smell). I can remember the first stinky encounter I had. I was seventeen years old and working at Wherehouse music in a really hood end of town. We would get an interesting assortment of people. We had the listening stations on the wall, so all walks of life would come in and sometimes stay all day just listening to music. Hood, homeless, snobby,....and then there was Ronnie. I will never forget that stinky man woman as long as I live. And I say man woman because we were never sure what it was....like Pat from Saturday Night Live. Having worked for many years in the gayborhood, I usually pride myself on being able to point out a cross dresser or a sex change quickly ....but this one I could never figure out! Ronnie was about 6'1" and 400 plus lbs. with long dark hair and a darker, almost american indian complexion. He/she would wear its hair down with a middle part and would constantly (and very manly like) push the hair falling in its face behind its ears. Ronnie would wear dirty, stained, oversized tshirts. They were always this cream colored off white...like you never knew if they were once grey and faded from so many washes.....or were once white and were now this color from the lack of washes. Ronnie would pair these with elastic waste shorts* that were worn above his/her knee, and topped, or should I say bottomed off with visible crew socks and shoes that I hope serve some orthopedic purpose. It was entertaining at most every time 'it' came in. I would definitely say that Ronnie was a man except that he had boobs and the shrillest, most annoyingly high pitched voice that God ever created. We would just nod and giggle as he/she came in but nobody wanted to stand near her/him. You see my friends...Ronnie smelled like a mixture of sweet perfume, sweat, and bacon. Every time he/she would pass by, everyone would hold their breath as to avoid the wafting PSB smell that would disperse in the wind Ronnie created.
My point to this whole story was..do you want to be that stinky fat person who has a smell so bad and distinct that its sticks in the minds of those who pass you for years to come? I'm going to answer for you: no. There is a very simple solution to this, shower. Use soap and water and wear perfume that's not a cheap, stinky knock off. Seems simple? For the greater population with a sense of smell (us), I hope this is a simple enough request.

Later today will be the next post...but I thought it was funny and that I would share that on edublog, someone named Muhokama qilinmagan on 'Avgust 7th, 2009' blatantly stole...I'd say pieces of but it was almost my entire blog and claimed it as her own.....even with the same title. Seriously people, get an imagination of your own...just because you change a few words does not mean it is your work. Have some respect.

So rule number one "Dress for your size...not the size you want to be!"
You know who you are. What women don't understand is that just because you squeezed into that size 8 does not mean that your size 14 hips appreciate that foolishness. Too small of clothing creates more rolls and morphs your body into wierd, playdough like shapes. My pet peve is the women that wear these tiny little jeans under their gut, pushing up all of their extra fluff, flattening and exsentuating their already nonexistant (what I like to call noassatall) booty, and chopping off their figure to give them a freakishly oompa loompa like (little legs, big body) appearance. The worst is when they wear a small top with these horrible little pants. I translated the other day at work for this woman, who suffered from the loopma syndrome, whose tiny shirt actually rolled up over her huge gut...which hung down over her pants. I could not believe she put that ugly thing out there for the whole world to see. I kept trying to look her in her eyes and not look at her rinosaurus belly .....but its like a bad accident you can't turn away from! And for the love of God this had better have been an accident. I was praying that at any moment she would grab me by the arms and apologize from the bottom of her heart that a wild pack of dogs had ravishly eaten all of her clothing, and that the only store within a million miles of her was baby gap. That would be more believable than the fact that she purchased these clothes, even with other options available, put them on on purpose, looked in a mirror and thought to herself, "now this is the outfit I'm gonna go into the world in." If you don't understand fashion, please do some research on what a properly dressed plus size female looks like. Queen Latifah or Mia Tyler would never be caught dead in some of the devistation I have seen out there. Ladies, have some pride. Cover it up! And please, for all of us with eye balls, cover it up with your size...not your cute little friend's size that you borrowed to make yourself feel better....because it makes us feel worse!

Hey Fatty, Quit Doing That!

DISCLAIMER:
*I AM NOT WRITING THIS TO OFFEND THOSE WHO HAPPEN TO BE BORN WITH THAT EXTRA BIT OF CUSHION. I MYSELF AM A LARGE PART OF THE FAT COMMUNITY AND FEEL IT MY SOCIAL OBLIGATION TO HELP THOSE FATTYS BORN WITHOUT COMMON SENSE.*
So it came to me the other day while having lunch with my sister at café Brazil. I looked to my left and planted on a bar stool (which most of her ass had eaten) was a pleasantly rotund female. And due to her blatant disregard for the unspoken rules of fatdom, she was the center of a series of negative comments. This got me to thinking..should I go over there and tell her? No. Too hurtful. I wish there were some list I could give here with guidelines to live by on the larger end of the spectrum…but there wasn’t. And thus, the foundation for Hey Fatty was laid. It started as a safe and un-hurtful transfer of knowledge for other largely beautiful women.

I got to work as quick as I could (the sooner we cover up those asses, the better, right?!). I enlisted a few ideas from family and friends. I hang out with mostly guys, so I can always count on their brutal honesty! I kept a list with me at all times because I never knew where the next fat catasrophe would be. It has almost started to become an ongoing joke with us. The 'beauty' of it is that no matter where you are....a party, graduation, or the Fiesta Supermercado on a Saturday afternoon, one can always find some poor soul dressed like a squished oompa loompa.

S0 we will be counting down the rules that every fatty should follow...just a suggestion though by all means!